Onward?

Howard Schultz recently released a new book entitled Onward: How Starbucks Fought for its Life Without Losing its Soul. Gag me with a stick. Worse than that eye-rolling title was the decision to give every Starbucks employee a copy of the book-which is, essentially, 328 pages of pompous, self-congratulatory, hogwash. When I first learned of the magnanimous gift that was to be bestowed upon me by employer, I thought "what the hell am I going to do with this piece of crap?" My initial idea was to shoot the book into the exosphere, watch it burst into flames as it fell back to Earth, find the cinereous remains of Howard's affront to the English language, brew them at work, and serve it to the next jerk-off customer that gave me any lip. Even though some of my more shady associates could undoubtedly get their hands on the equipment necessary for such a space launch (you know who you are), my funds were unfortunately lacking. So I settled on selling the books (for some reason another co-worker didn't want her copy and released it to my care) at a used book store and spending what I was sure would be meager earnings at an independent coffee shop. Brilliant in theory, my plan was harder to implement than I thought. At the first used book store the clerk offered me $1.80 for one copy. When I thought I could get a better deal, he directed my to the next closest store. At that store, the clerk took one look at the books and responded with "yeah, I don't want these." Worse than his response was the way he delivered it with a total air of contempt. He looked at me like I was a crackhead trying to sell a stolen dvd copy of Gigli at a pawn shop. At that point, I recalculated the numbers for my exosphere plan thinking maybe it wasn't as far out of reach as I originally thought. As a last ditch effort before I simply chucked the books into the nearest dumpster, I went to one more used book store. As I browsed the dvd section of Ed Mckay and contemplated buying a copy of Bubba Ho-tep (starring Bruce Campbell as a mummy-fighting Elvis) I saw that the clerks had decided the fate of my book selling plan. At the register, the guy informed me that they would buy one copy for $1.95 worth of store credit. I was completely deflated. I told the guy he could just keep both copies and that I was "sick of hauling them around in my car." When he heard that, the clerk graciously offered my $4 in store credit and said he would take both copies. I jumped at the offer, and later used the store credit to buy a copy of The Life of a Useless Man by Maxim Gorki. About two weeks later I was back at Ed McKay and wandered over to the business section. I found my two copies of Onward...right next to a third copy. I guess I wasn't the only employee who couldn't afford the space launch.

As someone who frequents independent coffee shops on a somewhat regular basis (frequently even), it's hard not to notice the anti-Starbucks paraphernalia and attitude that seems to have found a niche in the independent coffee merchant's decor. Forgive me if I find this mindset a little childish and perplexing. First of all, let's call Starbucks what it is: it's the McDonald's of coffee. Starbucks mass produces coffee products in a short time with relatively consistent results. You won't find any coffee artists at a Starbucks, in fact, most of the time you won't even find baristas that have pulled shots on a manual espresso machine. What you will find, however, is a pretty good product at a reasonable price. Here's the thing, if independent coffee shops want to become wildly successful with numerous locations all over the place, then they should be emulating Starbucks not deriding them with their decor and snarky attitude. If the goal of the independent shop is to create coffee beverages that don't remind the consumer of an assembly line, then Starbucks isn't really their competition in the first place. People that want high quality espresso from highly skilled baristas aren't going to Starbucks anyway. It would be like a Lamborghini dealership lamenting the fact that a used car dealer opened a lot down the street from them. There's a place for McStarbucks AND legit coffee shops. So get over yourselves independent coffee shops, and stop pretending like you wouldn't trade places with Starbucks in an instant.

Easy A

I recently watched Easy A, and I was left with one burning question: why does Hollywood insist on casting twenty-somethings as high schoolers? Emma Stone-22, Amanda Bynes-24, Dan Byrd-25, Penn Badgley-24. None of those actors played a convincing teenager. In fact, I haven't seen a less convincing teenager since 59 year-old Luke Perry graced us with his character Dylan on Beverly Hills 90210. It's not that I wasn't willing to get over the age of the actors-I tried. It's just that when everyone in the movie plays a sarcastic, jaded, and cynical know-it-all, well, it gets a little tired. It's like everyone of the actors was asked to reprise the role of John Cusack in Better Off Dead...except they all missed the mark. The movie was topped off with every possible stereotypical role that is found in most modern teenage movies. There was the overly judgemental Christian group which behaved in the typical anti-Christian manner. Lord knows what would happen if Hollywood actually portrayed Christians displaying Christian ideals? And of course there was the gay teenager who couldn't reveal his true sexual orientation for fear of bullying (because all gay teenagers are persecuted). Finally, we had the stereotypical "cool teacher," who was able to connect with his students by trading sarcastic barbs and dropping pop culture references with the most cynical of the bunch. The only character missing was the nerdy girl who turns out to be really hot after a makeover. Maybe they're saving that stereotype for the sequel: Easy A-The College Years. Thanks Hollywood, for another teen comedy that was totally worth watching.

I just saw a horrible commercial. Worse yet, it was a PSA. Even worse than that, it featured Wanda Sykes...noooooo! Has there ever been a less funny comedienne? Better yet, has there ever been a less funny comedienne that has managed to extend the shelf life of a horrible career by becoming a mouthpiece for some social issue? I would argue "no" for both of those questions. But Wanda Sykes's lousy acting and grating voice are not what prompted me to dust off my neglected blog. It was the message that her lousy acting and grating voice were trying to convey in her PSA that compelled me to action (such as it is). In the commercial, three teenage boys are sitting at a booth in a restaurant and laughing at the cheesy decor of the place. One of the kids points at a small statue of a Chef Boyardee-esque Italian cook and says "That's so gay!" Another kid responds with "that's really gay!" Enter washed-up comedienne. Upon hearing the offensive language of the boys, Wanda strides over to the booth and implores the young boys to "Please don't say that." "Don't say that something is gay when you mean that it is dumb or stupid...it's insulting." She further illustrates her point by using "sixteen year-old boy with a cheesy mustache" to describe something she thought was stupid. Well played Wanda, well played. I guess no one ever pointed out to Wanda that the word gay meant "in or showing a joyous mood" long before it was used to describe homosexuals. And yet, I don't see people in joyous moods telling Wanda "Please don't say gay when you mean someone is a homosexual...it's insulting." Maybe Christians should run a PSA in which they could tell Wanda "Please don't use the rainbow as a symbol for homosexuality, it's a sign of God's covenant to mankind and when you do that it's insulting." The point here is not whether you think homosexuality is right or wrong; rather, as soon as you have the speech police running around telling us what we can and cannot say, we lose our freedom of speech. Furthermore, get over it! Nowhere in the founding documents or current laws of this country does it say that we have the right to never be insulted or offended. Hey Wanda, language evolves, words and symbols get co opted by groups for various reasons and causes, if you don't like it...tough. Maybe you can construct some Orwellian world in which you decide what words can and cannot be used, but until then I guess you'll just have to see if your agent can book you for some more PSAs. Maybe next time you could film one on something that actually matters? When it comes to acting and comedy just take the advice you gave at the end of your PSA and "knock it off." We'll all be a little less insulted.