Attention Coffee House Customers

I've spent the last five and a half years working at a coffee shop. I'll wait while your laughter subsides...In that half decade of wiping crusty milk off of steam wands and cleaning up after homeless people that take hobo-baths in our restroom, I've got some things that have to be said to the coffee buying people of America. While I understand that complaints from people in the retail/food service world are ubiquitous, this is my take on the topic.

1) I am not a babysitter. Control your crotch-critters. Kids should not walk on tables, steal milk from the drink case or throw food on the ground. Despite what Dr. Phil tells you, smacking your kid upside the head every now and then is actually a good thing.

2) Your drink is not a novelty. If I had a nickel for every time some overly perfumed clown with a smirk on their face looked at me and said "you're gonna need to write this down" when I asked for their order, I wouldn't have to work at a coffee shop anymore. Just give me your order nerd.

3) It's called a tip jar, not a spare-change-so-you-don't-have-to-break-a-five-jar. The only acceptable time to take money from the tip jar is when you are TIPPING. For example: if you want to leave a buck but have only a five-spot. Then you may put the five in and take four out...under my supervision. Otherwise, keep your grubby hands outta there.

4) The line "they do it at the other store" is never an acceptable comment. Just because some moron at a coffee shop three counties over is willing to add exactly 37 pieces of ice to your coffee to cool it down does not mean I'm going to. Here's a thought: if the baristas at the "other store" are so willing to honor all of your ridiculous requests...GO TO THE OTHER STORE!

5) Don't tell me how to make drinks. I'm not talking about special orders either. I don't have a problem with people who want to customize their drinks. When you want a drink straight off of the menu, however, don't tell me how it "usually comes." I already know how it "usually comes." That's why I'm the guy wearing an apron and you're the guy holding "meetings" at a coffee shop with a blackberry and macbook. Do me a favor-you stick to driving your BMW and I'll stick to heating up milk-damn.

6) Please, for the love of God and country, get off of your freaking cell phone! For the past year or so I've stopped greeting people that are on the phone. I just stare at them blankly until they get the hint. Here's a news flash for you; people that are so important that they don't have to talk to the person making their drinks, don't order their own drinks in the first place. They have assistants for that. While we're on the subject, stop apologizing to the person on the line for having to talk to me. Instead, tell them "hey let me call you back, I'm ordering coffee and I don't want to be that jerk-off that can't remove his crackberry from his noggin long enough to speak with a person who is right in front of my face."

Finally, let me close on this note: the next time you find yourself in a coffee shop, because swigging caffeine-laced beverages is the only way you can make it through your day, give some credit to the person behind the counter. From people stealing our tips and merchandise, to trying to run some stupid scam, using our bathroom as a narcotics handoff spot, placing their scrotum on our counter (that guy seemed to be unaware of his pants zipper malfunction), and asking if we want to make pornographic films (that guy seemed to be unaware that he was the creepiest person in the world), we've seen it all (fortunately, I was in the back room when the guy plopped his junk on the counter, and I was not one of the baristas asked to be filmed). So be respectful and don't talk to us like four year-olds, and your day will be that much better.

Brett Favre is ruining my summer, again

Yesterday, the sports world kicked off the festival that has become an annual tradition. Brett Favre announced his retirement from the "game he loves," and today, he subsequently declared that he will in fact play if he is "healthy." This leads me to my first question; why does anyone give this guy a microphone during the off-season? We all know what's going to happen. During the first stage of the Favre Retirement Tour (sponsored by Wrangler Real. Comfortable. Jeans. tm.) Brett will step to a podium somewhere in Mississippi and, while holding back tears, announce that he has made the difficult decision to step away from "the game I love and have given 87 years of my life to. (tm)." The second stage of the Favre Retirement Tour (sponsored by Wrangler Real. Comfortable. Jeans. tm.) will feature a news leak that Favre will play if he is "healthy" and feels like he is in "playing condition." This leak will, of course, be accompanied by video of Favre throwing passes to high school football players somewhere in Mississippi while wearing his Real. Comfortable. Jeans. (tm). I propose that we institute a new stage in the Favre Retirement Tour (sponsored by Wrangler Real. Comfortable. Jeans. tm.) It could be called the "We could not care less about your retirement." During this stage we could gather at a park (somewhere in Mississippi while wearing our Real. Comfortable. Jeans. tm.) and tell Brett emphatically that we will no longer be listening to his idiotic ramblings about "how much he loves the game of football," and "how much he has given to the game of football," and "what a difficult decision it has been to walk away from the game of football," and "how much he wants to just spend time with his family away from the game of football." Take a lesson from Barry Sanders, Brett; when you are ready to retire, and you've stopped changing your mind like a stoner standing in front of the frozen burrito freezer case... skip the 24 hour a day seven days a week updates and just ride into the sunset wearing your Real. Comfortable. Jeans. (tm).