Dead in the Water

It was September 1999. I had been at Navy boot camp for about two weeks. We were rapidly approaching day 1-6 (first week sixth day), when we would have to take our swim test. I couldn't swim. Day 1-6 arrived, we marched to the building that held the pool. The RDCs (drill instructors) took us to the locker room and gave us some impossible time to change into our swim trunks and muster poolside. I was sweating bullets; I still couldn't swim. We all left the locker room and walked single-file to some bleachers that were to the side of the olympic sized pool. As we walked out, I naturally sucked my stomach in (as there were girls present) but realized that nearly three weeks in boot camp had done wonders for my waistline. Even though I was nearing what I was sure was my personal demise in the clear blue water, I was relived that if I died the medic would look at my lifeless body and think "man that guy had good abs." Once we were all assembled on the bleachers, some scary pool guys came over to instruct us on what we would have to do in order to pass the swim test. The test consisted of jumping from a 12 ft. platform, treading water for three minutes, and swimming around a set of three buoys three times. I was screwed. Fortunately for me, there must have been some other idiot before my time that had also joined the Navy without having even the slightest idea of how to swim and the pool guys were prepared for just such an occasion. As I was listening to the instructions, I had already resigned myself to jumping in and drowning; or at the very least jumping in, almost drowning, and being pulled to safety by some instructor and having my ass reamed for almost drowning. But as the pool guy finished his speech he issued a caveat, "if any of you can't swim, raise your hand and step to the side." Not only was I the first person to raise my hand, it was up before he had even finished his warning. All of us non-swimmers were gathered at the shallow end of the pool. We were taught how to float on our backs and use the elementary backstroke. Unfortunately for me, I picked up the floating technique and the backstroke faster than anyone. When it was discovered how fast I was catching on, I was ordered to the deep end of the pool to start my test. I tried to reason with the guy and let him know that more practice was always a good thing, but it was all for naught. I climbed to the top of the platform and waited my turn to jump. I wasn't worried about jumping; I knew I could splash my way to the side before I died. It was the treading water that scared me. I guess the shallow end guys were not communicating with the deep end guys, because the deep end guys thought that in my five minutes of training in the shallow end I should have learned how to tread water for three minutes. This was not the case. I jumped. If only they had taught me how to tread water instead of just floating on my back. Needless to say, I wasn't able to tread water for three minutes and when I reached for the side of the pool I caught hellfire from some pool guy. The punishment for failing any part of the swim test was immediate removal from the pool and sitting in a corner while holding your knees to your chest. After what the pool guys must have considered sufficient time in the corner, I was given a second chance at failing the swim test. This time we didn't have to jump from the platform but from the side of the pool. I wanted to tell the instructors "jumping from the platform is the only fun part of this process you idiots" but I refrained. I jumped in along with two other people. As I was trying my best to tread water, one of the other two recruits that jumped in with me kept inching nearer and nearer to me. One of the many rules of the swim test was that you were not allowed to touch any other person whilst you were in the pool. As the recruit kept crowding my area, one of the idiot pool guys was shouting encouragements at me like "get away from her!" and "stop touching her!" I don't know if I've ever wanted to smack someone so badly in all my life. After several failed attempts to distance myself from the flailing recruit, I finally was so fed up that I shoved her as hard as I could so that I could get some space and finish the swim test. Of course, I was immediately yanked from the pool and made to sit in the corner...again. On my third jump into the pool, the instructors had decided that I was so inept at swimming that I needed my very own Navy SEAL to accompany me in the pool (Navy SEALS and other special forces guys are constantly training at the pool and get some sort of sick thrill from swimming next to recruits and berating them). The only good thing about failing the swim test was that the requirements got easier after every failure. That last time, all I had to do was swim around the cones three times. As I rounded the second cone, I accidentally turned too sharp a corner and started heading in the direction from whence I had just come. The SEAL started yelling that I had turned the wrong way and he didn't tell me to go in that direction. Too bad for him I decided to stop listening at that point. My thought was that I would just swim around the pool doing my elementary backstroke until they forcibly removed me. SEALS be damned! The SEAL guy gave up before I did and stopped yelling when he realized I wasn't listening. At least, that's what I think happened, all I could see was the ceiling. My backstroke was going well, until I swam into the side of the pool...head first. I grabbed the side of the pool with one hand, and my head with the other. I was certain that I had split my skull in half. As I was in the charge of the SEAL guy, he was understandably concerned; what if some recruit died in the pool while he was supposed to be watching them? As I checked for blood, the SEAL accidentally lost his macho demeanor and asked in a panicked voice "are you alright man?" Thinking quickly, I reached out with my hand as if I couldn't see and said "who...who said that?" The next words out of the guys mouth were "Get out! Get out! You pass!" As I approached the table where recruits were checked off after passing the swim test, the man behind the desk asked "did you pass?" I said "yes, yes I did." I was a swimmer.