Poopin lady upstages bears, Grand Canyon

There are a few situations in life when a person feels genuine alarm. The unexpected bowel movement is one of those situations. On Friday July 16, as I and my traveling companions made our way from Flagstaff AZ to the Grand Canyon, we encountered an odd site as we approached the Bearizona drive-through nature park that is located just south of the canyon. Actually, it wasn't odd so much as mind-blowing, disturbing, and completely amazing. Pulled over on the side of the road was a car (nothing out of the ordinary about that) and about 15 feet past the car was a lady with her pants pulled down around her ankles in a squatting position taking a dump. She wasn’t near any sort of coverage at all…awesome! Roadside occurrences like this are witnessed by a precious few motorists and when I saw that dumping lady I knew I was watching greatness. Having an inquisitive mind, however, I was curious as to why someone would bear their nether regions for all travelers on a busy road. My thoughts progressed through several rapid fire stages as I tried to comprehend why the dumping lady would be so compelled to pop a squat 20 feet from a busy road in the middle of the day without even attempting to take cover. At first I thought that maybe the lady had to go so badly that she didn't have time to make it from the car to the tree line in time. I quickly dismissed that scenario. When faced with the prospect of being caught with your pants down (literally) and running a few extra feet to save your dignity every person is going to make the extra effort. After contemplating several other explanations, I finally hit on one that made sense; being so close to Bearizona, the lady was obviously afraid that she would be attacked by a grizzly whilst cleaning her pipes. As her car screeched to a stop on the side of the road, I can imagine she was picturing the possible headlines and eternal shame that would be hers as she scrambled out of her vehicle "Women killed by bear while taking a dump." Faced with this possibility she made the only logical decision; squat 15 feet from the road facing traffic and bury her head in her lap. Who can blame her? Her fear of being mauled by a grizzly with her pants down was greater than her fear of facing countless camera toting tourists on the way to the Grand Canyon. If you think about it, this lady and her gastrointestinal malfunctions managed to pull off quite a feat; by dropping her pants and facing traffic she completely upstaged not only tons of bears but the whole freaking Grand Canyon. For the rest of our lives, all of us that were privileged to see that amazing spectacle will begin the story of our trip to the world’s most spectacular geological site with the sentence “did I ever tell you about the time I saw that lady crapping on the way to the Grand Canyon?” For that reason, I would like to say from the bottom of my heart…thank you crapping lady.