Attention Coffee House Customers

I've spent the last five and a half years working at a coffee shop. I'll wait while your laughter subsides...In that half decade of wiping crusty milk off of steam wands and cleaning up after homeless people that take hobo-baths in our restroom, I've got some things that have to be said to the coffee buying people of America. While I understand that complaints from people in the retail/food service world are ubiquitous, this is my take on the topic.

1) I am not a babysitter. Control your crotch-critters. Kids should not walk on tables, steal milk from the drink case or throw food on the ground. Despite what Dr. Phil tells you, smacking your kid upside the head every now and then is actually a good thing.

2) Your drink is not a novelty. If I had a nickel for every time some overly perfumed clown with a smirk on their face looked at me and said "you're gonna need to write this down" when I asked for their order, I wouldn't have to work at a coffee shop anymore. Just give me your order nerd.

3) It's called a tip jar, not a spare-change-so-you-don't-have-to-break-a-five-jar. The only acceptable time to take money from the tip jar is when you are TIPPING. For example: if you want to leave a buck but have only a five-spot. Then you may put the five in and take four out...under my supervision. Otherwise, keep your grubby hands outta there.

4) The line "they do it at the other store" is never an acceptable comment. Just because some moron at a coffee shop three counties over is willing to add exactly 37 pieces of ice to your coffee to cool it down does not mean I'm going to. Here's a thought: if the baristas at the "other store" are so willing to honor all of your ridiculous requests...GO TO THE OTHER STORE!

5) Don't tell me how to make drinks. I'm not talking about special orders either. I don't have a problem with people who want to customize their drinks. When you want a drink straight off of the menu, however, don't tell me how it "usually comes." I already know how it "usually comes." That's why I'm the guy wearing an apron and you're the guy holding "meetings" at a coffee shop with a blackberry and macbook. Do me a favor-you stick to driving your BMW and I'll stick to heating up milk-damn.

6) Please, for the love of God and country, get off of your freaking cell phone! For the past year or so I've stopped greeting people that are on the phone. I just stare at them blankly until they get the hint. Here's a news flash for you; people that are so important that they don't have to talk to the person making their drinks, don't order their own drinks in the first place. They have assistants for that. While we're on the subject, stop apologizing to the person on the line for having to talk to me. Instead, tell them "hey let me call you back, I'm ordering coffee and I don't want to be that jerk-off that can't remove his crackberry from his noggin long enough to speak with a person who is right in front of my face."

Finally, let me close on this note: the next time you find yourself in a coffee shop, because swigging caffeine-laced beverages is the only way you can make it through your day, give some credit to the person behind the counter. From people stealing our tips and merchandise, to trying to run some stupid scam, using our bathroom as a narcotics handoff spot, placing their scrotum on our counter (that guy seemed to be unaware of his pants zipper malfunction), and asking if we want to make pornographic films (that guy seemed to be unaware that he was the creepiest person in the world), we've seen it all (fortunately, I was in the back room when the guy plopped his junk on the counter, and I was not one of the baristas asked to be filmed). So be respectful and don't talk to us like four year-olds, and your day will be that much better.

Brett Favre is ruining my summer, again

Yesterday, the sports world kicked off the festival that has become an annual tradition. Brett Favre announced his retirement from the "game he loves," and today, he subsequently declared that he will in fact play if he is "healthy." This leads me to my first question; why does anyone give this guy a microphone during the off-season? We all know what's going to happen. During the first stage of the Favre Retirement Tour (sponsored by Wrangler Real. Comfortable. Jeans. tm.) Brett will step to a podium somewhere in Mississippi and, while holding back tears, announce that he has made the difficult decision to step away from "the game I love and have given 87 years of my life to. (tm)." The second stage of the Favre Retirement Tour (sponsored by Wrangler Real. Comfortable. Jeans. tm.) will feature a news leak that Favre will play if he is "healthy" and feels like he is in "playing condition." This leak will, of course, be accompanied by video of Favre throwing passes to high school football players somewhere in Mississippi while wearing his Real. Comfortable. Jeans. (tm). I propose that we institute a new stage in the Favre Retirement Tour (sponsored by Wrangler Real. Comfortable. Jeans. tm.) It could be called the "We could not care less about your retirement." During this stage we could gather at a park (somewhere in Mississippi while wearing our Real. Comfortable. Jeans. tm.) and tell Brett emphatically that we will no longer be listening to his idiotic ramblings about "how much he loves the game of football," and "how much he has given to the game of football," and "what a difficult decision it has been to walk away from the game of football," and "how much he wants to just spend time with his family away from the game of football." Take a lesson from Barry Sanders, Brett; when you are ready to retire, and you've stopped changing your mind like a stoner standing in front of the frozen burrito freezer case... skip the 24 hour a day seven days a week updates and just ride into the sunset wearing your Real. Comfortable. Jeans. (tm).

Poopin lady upstages bears, Grand Canyon

There are a few situations in life when a person feels genuine alarm. The unexpected bowel movement is one of those situations. On Friday July 16, as I and my traveling companions made our way from Flagstaff AZ to the Grand Canyon, we encountered an odd site as we approached the Bearizona drive-through nature park that is located just south of the canyon. Actually, it wasn't odd so much as mind-blowing, disturbing, and completely amazing. Pulled over on the side of the road was a car (nothing out of the ordinary about that) and about 15 feet past the car was a lady with her pants pulled down around her ankles in a squatting position taking a dump. She wasn’t near any sort of coverage at all…awesome! Roadside occurrences like this are witnessed by a precious few motorists and when I saw that dumping lady I knew I was watching greatness. Having an inquisitive mind, however, I was curious as to why someone would bear their nether regions for all travelers on a busy road. My thoughts progressed through several rapid fire stages as I tried to comprehend why the dumping lady would be so compelled to pop a squat 20 feet from a busy road in the middle of the day without even attempting to take cover. At first I thought that maybe the lady had to go so badly that she didn't have time to make it from the car to the tree line in time. I quickly dismissed that scenario. When faced with the prospect of being caught with your pants down (literally) and running a few extra feet to save your dignity every person is going to make the extra effort. After contemplating several other explanations, I finally hit on one that made sense; being so close to Bearizona, the lady was obviously afraid that she would be attacked by a grizzly whilst cleaning her pipes. As her car screeched to a stop on the side of the road, I can imagine she was picturing the possible headlines and eternal shame that would be hers as she scrambled out of her vehicle "Women killed by bear while taking a dump." Faced with this possibility she made the only logical decision; squat 15 feet from the road facing traffic and bury her head in her lap. Who can blame her? Her fear of being mauled by a grizzly with her pants down was greater than her fear of facing countless camera toting tourists on the way to the Grand Canyon. If you think about it, this lady and her gastrointestinal malfunctions managed to pull off quite a feat; by dropping her pants and facing traffic she completely upstaged not only tons of bears but the whole freaking Grand Canyon. For the rest of our lives, all of us that were privileged to see that amazing spectacle will begin the story of our trip to the world’s most spectacular geological site with the sentence “did I ever tell you about the time I saw that lady crapping on the way to the Grand Canyon?” For that reason, I would like to say from the bottom of my heart…thank you crapping lady.

No such thing as old rock stars

Paul Mccartney recently said "Some people don't believe in climate warming-like those who don't believe there was a holocaust." Now, before you stop reading, let me allay your fears and assure you that this is not a post about global warming. There are enough unread/unreadable political blogs out there, and I for one am not going to add to that cyber-heap. I'm going to add to the cyber-heap of unread/unreadable non-political blogs. It seems like every ten minutes or so, some celebrity makes some ridiculous statement about a political issue that leaves me scratching my head, and inevitably I ask myself; why do people from the entertainment industry feel like they have something valuable to say about political issues? You'll be happy to know that I have discovered an answer to that question. In most cases, celebrities like Mccartney have been fawned over their entire adult life, therefore they think everything they say is important-even if they are completely clueless. When they're at the height of their careers, all of their creative abilities are funneled into their art. When their artistic abilities start to diminish, they funnel their efforts into other areas. Usually, the further the celebrity is from their success the more asinine and frequent their mind-numbing comments. Hence, the stupid comment from Sir Paul. Mccartney hasn't contributed anything valuable to music in decades. Actually, that's not entirely true. He did have that ridiculous Zoolanderesque picture from the album he released a few years ago. You remember...the album that Apple and Starbucks tried to cram down the throats of unwitting Americans? It's ok if you don't remember the album-Mccartney doesn't remember it either. I'm not naive enough to think that Mccartney's comment will be the last (after all, Bono and Sean Penn are still lurking out there somewhere), or that other has-beens won't join him in the choir of I-used-to-be-someone...really. However, I feel obligated to deliver a message to all the washed-up celebrities out there who are contemplating saying anything in front of a microphone: We really appreciate what you gave us when you were good; however, those days are long gone and they are never coming back. When I was a teenager, I had a thirty inch vertical. Now it's probably not even half of that. Guess what? I'm not on a basketball court trying to dunk and my life is still satisfying. The fact of the matter is, we do not care about your political views. Sing your songs, play your guitar, dunk the ball, throw the touchdown, and when you can't do those things anymore go away. I promise you we won't hold it against you...we might like you even more.

Kerouac vs. Me

In anticipation of my upcoming cross-country trip, I read Kerouac's On The Road. That got me thinking (what's that burning smell?), who wins in a head to head battle of cross country trips...me or Kerouac? 1)Transport: While I don't object to flying through the heartland on the back of a flat-bed shared with various hobos, I'm pretty sure my wife would. If I and my fellow raodtrippers were to gather our vehicles and choose the best option for driving across a continent, we would be facing the possibility of two weeks with five people crammed into a '99 Honda Accord. Did you know that renting a car for two weeks is surprisingly affordable? 2)Food: Kerouac routinely went without eating and sometimes resorted to stealing sustinence. My group and I have planned almost the entire trip around restaurants where we will be stopping. 3)American spirit: Did you know Kerouac's parents were so called French Canadians? Not mine. Let's review the categories. 1)Transport: Hitchhiking and stealing gas and cars vs. renting a car with ac-I win. 2)Food: Not knowing where your next meal will come from vs. begrudgingly leaving a 15% tip because the waitress only filled your coffee cup three times instead of four-I win. 3)American spirit: What kind of name is Kerouac anyway-I win. So if your keeping score, and you're not a filthy cheater like the refs in the World Cup who have routinely screwed the American team out of goals (good thing soccer isn't a real sport), I clearly win. Sorry Jack.